


I am your Beloved...Really

by Nocturnal



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Crossdressing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 16:26:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3616509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal/pseuds/Nocturnal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya is hit in the head by a vending machine that Shizuo throws at him and as a result is convinced that Shizuo is his husband. It is up to Shizuo to handle Izaya's outlandish demands.</p><p>Companion piece to Playing House.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am your Beloved...Really

Izaya paid for his fatty tuna. It was his favorite, the greasy kind arranged in generous slabs that made for great nigiris. Being blessed with overall coolness also meant that he could eat all the tasty goodness he pleased without gaining as much as a gram. Surely, his metabolism was exceptional. He was humming a tune and ambling to one of his favorite spots, the night was still a child and he was keeping his options open, when something very red and very big crashed on him and knocked him flat.

"Izaya! Where are you!"

Shizuo barged into the scene and looked around for the bane of his life, Orihara Izaya. After looking around some and finding no trace of him Shizuo cursed under his breath. He was about to pick up his vending machine when he spotted Izaya under it.

"Ha! I finally got you, you bloody flea maggot you!"

Shizuo lighted a cigarette and puffed. His anger was appeased so suddenly that there was almost a feeling of lingering discontent undercutting his happiness.

"Hey, Izaya? Dead yet?"

It occurred to Shizuo that he would be in a world of troubles if the police were to find him standing next to a corpse. He was contemplating whether to take Izaya to the hospital or simply leave when a stirring motion caught his attention. Izaya sat up with some difficulty (it went to show that like the cockroach he was it took a lot to kill him), blinked a few times in blank confusion then turned around as if looking for something.

"Where's my fatty tuna?"

It was the last thing Shizuo expected to hear.

"Your what?"

"My tuna. Don't just stand there! Help me look for it! What kind of husband are you if you won't even look for my tuna?"

The cigarette dropped from his lips.

"What…?"

Izaya wiped the dirt from his clothes and crossed his arms haughtily.

"Heiwajima Shizuo! I will have you take responsibility for the loss of the meal I so lovingly got to celebrate our anniversary."

Shizuo gaped a few times.

"Our…what? And there's your stupid tuna, see?"  
Indeed, the package was unharmed on the road. Until a black motorcycle ran over it, that was.

The tires smashed the tuna and flattened it on the pavement. Izaya sobbed.

"I hope you're happy now! I got it so that we could celebrate and look what happens!"

"What the hell are you blabbering about? And I don't even like tuna!"

Izaya gasped dramatically.

"Heiwajima Shizuo, did you forget our wedding anniversary?"

"Are you out of your fucking mind? That vending machine must have screwed you up!"

Izaya jabbed a finger.

"Don't go changing the subject here. Fact is, you forgot that today is our two months wedding anniversary. Shizu-chan, why do you break my heart like this?"

Tears glittered on Izaya's eyes.

"Wedding? Just who got married?"

"We did! Now you're even denying that?"

To Shizuo's absolute stupefaction Izaya sat on the ground, hugged his knees and wept quietly.

"Er, Izaya? You should really go to the hospital."

"Go away. I'm not talking to you anymore."

Shizuo considered hitting him with the machine again, in movies that tended to do the trick but Izaya was still crying and somehow that made it impossible to be violent.

"Huh, 'kay. I'll just leave now."

Immediately Izaya was on his feet again.

"You're leaving me here? An innocent maiden in a rough part of town? At night?"

"Who are you talking about? 'Innocent'? You're Orihara Izaya! Ikebukuro's scum!"

Izaya's look of sheer shock was oddly endearing.

"I'm Heiwajima Izaya. Your wife."

Shizuo took a step back.

"What…the…I don't even know."

Izaya seemed to have reached an inner revelation of sorts.

"Oh I see, I see. I'm good enough for you to have sex with but then you get tired as soon as the honeymoon phase is over and just toss me aside. I should have known it, men are pigs!"

Shizuo nearly face-palmed.

"You're a guy too!"

"Fine! Make an issue out of my gender, why don't you! I don't see you complaining about that when I suck you!"

"You never did that! Might be nice- wait, what am I saying, your craziness is getting to me!"

Izaya pouted and sobbed some more. Shizuo threw up his hands in the air.

"Okay, okay, just stop crying. I'll get you more tuna."

"Really?"

Shizuo had never realized that Izaya's eyes could get so big and so much like those of a cute fluffy animal.

"Yeah."

Izaya jumped up and down happily.

"Yay! If we hurry we can go to the fish market and get the first catch of the day! That's the juiciest tuna. And what am I wearing?"

Upon glancing at his watch to check out the time Izaya saw a rather bland outfit upon his person.

"Your jacket, you always wear that damned thing."

Izaya removed said jacket and inspected it clinically.

"I guess it's not too bad. The fur adds a certain charm to it but I need new clothes."

"Why?"

Izaya sighed.

"Shizu-chan, I know you don't know much about social conventions but as a wife I must present myself properly."

"Can we just drop this wife thing- what are you doing?"

As they made their way down the street Izaya latched onto his arm as merrily as could be.

"Leaning on you, of course."

"Eh…"

Shizuo was very glad that it was so late that the streets were empty. At least there was no one staring at them. Izaya began to slow down.

"My head hurts and feels weird…"

He touched the still wet wound.

"That's- blood-"

And with this Izaya swooned, leaving Shizuo to keep him from falling.

  
"Oy, get a hold of yourself! Izaya! It's just a bit of blood, nothing major. It never bothered you before."

  
But it was no use, Izaya's eyes rolled on his sockets and a freaked out Shizuo shook him forcibly. When this did not at all work he placed him on a bench where he lied motionless.

  
"Shizu-chan…I see a white tunnel."

  
"No white tunnel! Don't you go dying on me! I'm not landing in jail because of you…again!"

  
Izaya reached out for his hand and pressed it weakly.

  
"Shizu-chan, I'm done for. Could you tell me that you love me?"

  
"Will you stop with this crazy talk already!"

  
"So you won't say it…it's okay, Shizu-chan. My love for you is enough for both of us so please don't feel guilty for surviving my death."  
Shizuo pressed Izaya's hand in return and as a result nearly broke a few bones. Tears ran down Izaya's cheeks.

  
"No one's dying here!"

  
"Shizu-chan…I love you…I can die without regrets because I was so happy these past two months…"

  
"That's it, I'm taking you to the hospital."

  
By now Shizuo was genuinely worried.

  
"Could you at least tell me you love me one last time? Even if you have to lie?"

  
"Sure, yeah, I love you."

  
A low voice piped from behind them.

  
"Orihara-san? I have fatty tuna, extra fresh, the kind you like and that doesn't kill you, Orihara-san."

  
Shizuo recognized the accent right away but before he could react to it Izaya was sitting up and gingerly waltzing away, a trail of bubbles and flowers almost visible in his wake.

  
"Si-mon-chan! Did you just say fatty tuna?"

  
"Tuna for Orihara-san, good client."

  
"Yay for Simon-chan!"

  
Shizuo's eyebrows twitched as he watched the unlikely scene.

  
"'-chan'? And whatever happened to your dying speech!"

  
Izaya swallowed a bit of fish and closed his eyes as he enjoyed the flavor.

  
"Guess I was just hungry!"

  
Simon nodded solemnly.

  
"Hungry, bad, eat tasty sushi, good!"

  
Izaya liberally sampled the tray of delicious items before him. Shizuo shook his head and resumed smoking.

  
"Flirting with the sushi man. Unbelievable. And to think I was actually worried."

  
"Shizu-chan! Could it be that you're jealous?"

  
Izaya bit a piece of extra good maguro. Shizuo looked away.

  
"Don't be absurd."

  
"Shizuo-san, throwing things at Orihara-san is bad!"

  
"…whatever."

  
"Simon-chan, did you know? Today is my wedding anniversary!"

  
Shizuo choked on his cigarette.

  
"Don't tell people about your crazy ideas!"

  
Simon had seen enough of Japan and especially of Tokyo to know that its inhabitants were all varying degrees of insane so he was not particularly surprised at this.  
"Congratulations, Orihara-san! Have more sushi, on the house! Good costumer."

  
"Just how much of that stuff can you eat…"

  
Izaya turned sparkly eyes to Simon.

 

  
"Aw, thank you! And you may call me Heiwajima-san!"

  
"Oh? Orihara-san married Kasuka-san? Wish you all the happiness in the world! Didn't know men could marry in this country-"

  
"Why did you assume he'd marry Kasuka? No wait, that's not even what's wrong here. Still, everyone just thinks that…Just because he's cute, polite, famous, rich, nice…damn."  
Shizuo answered his own question and became rather gloomy.

  
"Xixu-xan, ith melths in mah mauth!"

  
Izaya stuck out his tongue to show that his borderline unintelligible point was not lost due to elocution issues.

  
"Good tuna, best ootoro in Japan! Congratulations on marrying Kasuka-san!"

  
"He didn't marry Kasuka! He married me! Wait-"

  
Izaya swallowed his treat.

  
"Aw, Shizu-chan~~"

  
"Argh! What am I saying! Stop pushing your insanity on me!"

  
"You don't have to be jealous over your brother. I mean, let's face it…Kasuka is boring."

  
"Who said anything about being jealous? And what do you mean, boring?"

  
Izaya licked his fingers.

  
"What does he actually do apart from being deadpan all the time?"

  
"Plenty of things…"

  
"Like what?"

  
"Well, er, he acts! Yeah!"

  
"He acts by being deadpan all the time so that doesn't count. Besides, he's not manly and big like you."

  
Izaya stared him up and down for emphasis. Shizuo blushed to the point of becoming a human beetroot.

  
"Don't go saying things like that. You give people the wrong impression."

  
"It's not like I compared sizes but I know no one is like Shizu-chan!"

  
"Shizuo-san, lucky man. Wonderful wife that loves sushi. Late night buffet at restaurant tonight, all you can eat."

  
Izaya's eyes glimmered.

  
"Let's go, let's go!"

  
"No! And didn't you have enough already?"

  
Izaya smiled happily. Shizuo cursed him for being so cute.

  
"Sushi is like sex, you can never have enough of it!"

  
"What the!"

  
They headed toward the restaurant, Simon still holding his now empty tray and hollering despite the street being deserted and Izaya latching on to Shizuo a few steps behind.

  
"You know, Shizu-chan…speaking about that, I'm afraid you haven't been fulfilling your duties as a husband."

  
"Huh?"

  
Izaya sighed.

"You've been working late lately and I feel so neglected. I have my needs as well, you know. And it is your duty to make sure that I am satisfied."

"Maybe I should just hit you with the vending machine again. That may do the trick."

Simon turned around and the quasi couple almost bumped into him.

"Shizuo-san, I tell you this before, violence is bad! You make wife cry!"

"For the last time, Izaya is not my wife!"

Shizuo was about to just leave but he quickly changed his mind. Because Izaya burst into the crowded restaurant and proclaimed:

"Hello everyone! Heiwajima Izaya has arrived! No need to clap but I won't hold it against you if you do, of course."

Shizuo had to run after him, Izaya was already gobbling even more fresh fish from the counter.

"Izaya! Shut up!"

"Special seat for the husband, yes."

Simon more or less forced Shizuo to sit and right away Izaya sat on his lap. Before Shizuo had any time to react Izaya was already comfortably settled and chatting amicably to his neighbor.

"Erika-chan! I wanted to ask you, do you know a place where I can get a commemorative costume made dakimakura?"

"Oh, I sure do! Do you have a particular design in mind?"

"Shizu-chan! A normal pic on a side and a naked version on the other."

Shizuo really wished that Izaya did not keep leaning over to reach even more food, it made him feel exceedingly uncomfortable in more ways than one.

"What the hell is this daki whatever thing?"

"Dakimakura! It's a body pillow."

Izaya nodded and handed Shizuo a salmon roll.

"I feel so lonely when you're not around…by the way, you're supposed to feed me."

"What the hell, I knew you were a perv but-"

Izaya turned his back to the counter, straddling him in the process and opening his mouth suggestively. Shizuo flushed all over again.

"Feed me, Shizu-chan."

Erika elbowed Walker.

"See, see, I told you they were totally an item."

Shizuo fed him the roll just to shut Izaya up even if only for a short while.

"You kids have the wrong idea! He's just having this weird delusion because he hit his head. We're not a couple…"

He trailed off because Izaya was grinding against him.  
Shizuo flailed and cursed the annoying flea. He put down Izaya and hoped that he would be too entertained by the endless parade of sushi goods to bother following him. There was a rather uncomfortable tightness in his pants and after getting rid of it he was leaving this place and the hell with Orihara Izaya. Shizuo did not get very far, though. He did not even make it to the bathroom stall before that ever so irritating voice piped behind him.

"Shizu-chan, how mean of you! Keeping your stuff to yourself without sharing…"

Izaya pouted. His eyes glowed in an eerie way that Shizuo found almost frightening.

"Just go away. And don't-"

Izaya silenced him easily by dropping to his knees, unzipping him and taking his hardening length into his mouth. Shizuo gasped and immediately buried his fingers in soft black hair to urge Izaya to swallow him whole. He was willing to forget that Izaya was a bastard, hot lips covered him from top to base and a tongue expertly lathered him. Wet slurps filled the air as Izaya began to suck and Shizuo moaned despite himself.

"You were saying something, Shizu-chan?"

Izaya licked a thread of pre-cum and got up, chuckling quietly at the look of disappointment that Shizuo gave him. But it did not last long because Izaya dropped his pants and underwear and was wiggling his pert ass in the air. Shizuo looked around, there was no around, he supposed it would be fine as long as no one found out about this. His dick was already twitching at the sight and more so as Izaya spread himself and leant against the wall.

"Shizu-chan…don't forget your duties. And there's no need to worry, today's not a fertile day and I'm also on the pill."

"Very funny Izaya, excuse me if I forget to laugh."

Izaya wiggled some more and Shizuo figured that he might as well take advantage of this situation. He planted his hands on Izaya's slim hips and positioned himself. Shizuo slammed into him suddenly and Izaya pushed back immediately, urging the hard dick deeper inside.

"Oh Shizu-chan, you're a beast…"

"Don't you ever shut up?"

Shizuo was close to coming after a few thrusts, he did not know what the horrible louse could possibly feel this good, so tight, hot and engulfing him. That was when the sound of steps cut through the ragged panting. Standing there and gaping was some kid that Shizuo presently wanted to strangle. For a while there was only silence, then Izaya spoke.

"Kida-kun, spying on people's intimate moments is just wrong…"

Shizuo was too far gone to stop his frantic pounding but he did growl loudly at the kid that was still opening and closing his mouth. Then,

"Oh no! Seems like I suddenly became blind! As in, totally blind! Ah, what will I do now! I cannot see a thing! So I totally don't see what's right in front of me, no! Totally not! And looks like I'm temporarily deaf too! Whatever shall I do next!"

And with this Kida spun on his heels and was soon gone.

"…bloody kids."

Izaya tightened and tossed his head back as he released on the tiles, a throaty moan accompanying his climax. Shizuo kept thrusting even as Izaya's orgasm toppled him over. In the rush of hot white pleasure he even forgot that he hated Izaya. He was reminded all over when he pulled out and Izaya added lazily,

"Shizu-chan, wasn't that nice? You came a lot."

"Will you shut up! How am I going to explain this! That kid saw us!"

"Kida-kun will keep quiet. Want to see your wife at work? I'm not just a stay at home spouse, you know."

Izaya cleaned himself and Shizuo followed him back to the restaurant, reluctantly enough. They found Kida easily enough, gesturing wildly as he prattled to two rather confused friends.

"What my virgin eyes have seen! Mikado, I can't even speak about it since there is a lady here but-"

"Kida-kun? And I thought you were blind and deaf. But you best be careful, too much playing with yourself and you will become blind for good. And piss me off and I may just gouge your eyes out. Just kidding, just kidding. Neh?"

Kida's smile froze.

"Eh, Orihara-san…back so soon?"

"Shizu-chan doesn't last long when we do it in public-"

"Fucking louse!"

"-and it's Heiwajima-san now."

Shizuo was going to punch Izaya but he easily stepped aside and sat next to Anri. As a result Shizuo ended up hitting Kida instead and sent him flying out of the restaurant.

"Anri-chan! You know, you shouldn't be wasting your time with these two. No offense to you, Mikado-kun, but what you need is a real man."

Anri blinked behind her spectacles.

"How do you know my name…?"

Shizuo cursed and popped a cigarette into his mouth, it was a post coital habit of his and he'd be damned if any law was going to stop him from having a smoke after a fuck session. Besides, he was angry.

"Oh, you're not having that last bit of tuna? Mind if I have it? No? Thanks An-ri-chan!"

Izaya kept on talking even as he emptied her plate.

"Like I was saying, a girl's virginity is very important and you should take care of it."

Shizuo rolled his eyes.

"Oh please. Like you're one to say that."

Izaya ignored Shizuo's comment altogether.

"You should trust your senpai in life, Anri-chan. I dated Shizuo for ages until I even let him get to first base. I was a bit younger than you, actually. And we only went all the way on our wedding night. It made it extra special."

"Ha! Like anyone in his right mind would ever buy that load of crap! Your first time was with some random guy in a public toilet! I know because you told the entire bloody school about it!"

Izaya looked mortified.

"How can you doubt my chastity! Shizu-chan, I saved myself just for you all these years…it's not like I didn't have plenty of proposals but my heart always belonged to you!"

Shizuo threw up his arms.

"You're batshit crazy. I'm not taking any more of this."

"Forget about men altogether, Anri-chan! You'd be better off turning into a lesbian! It's so unfair, society has double standards about these things. Don't think I don't know you fooled around with your brother!"

"What the hell?!"

"And plenty of other people, too. But I draw the line at incest! That's just wrong."

While Shizuo was struggled for a reply to voice his outrage Namie shouted from a nearby booth:

"Incest isn't wrong! It all depends!"

Shizuo finally managed to process words and he knew just what to say.

"You're the one with a severe sister complex!"

Izaya was on his feet in the blink of an eye.

"Don't you go slandering my sisters now! I should have listened to them, they told me that I was too good for you."

Before the argument could escalate into more chaotic extremes and before Simon could be heard through the din Kadoka stumbled into the scene, having had one too many cups of sake.

"Shizuo? Is this true? Did you marry Izaya?"

"Not you too, is everyone getting stupid?"

Erika and Walker popped out like the fantastic duo they were.

"Truth is, Dotachin has this huge crush on Izaya-kun."

"Just think Tsuna crushing on Kyoko."

"And now his hopes have been dashed!"

"Completely!"

Shizuo scratched his hair.

"He can have him for all I care."

Izaya whined with exaggerated emphasis.

"So now I'm property."

Kadoka was not too steady on his feet but he still managed to string a sentence together. More or less.

"I'll- hic- fight you- hic- for Izaya's- hic- hand! In- hic- marriage."

Erika and Walker whistled in unison.

"It's a duel, a duel!"

"This is better than Kira, Athrun and Lacus!"

"Love triangle!"

Shizuo sighed. It seemed that all the weirdoes were ganging up on him.

"You want to fight. Over the bloody louse. Unbelievable."

Kadoka nodded very solemnly and Izaya proceeded to empty Mikado's plate while he was at it.

"Yeah-hic."

"Don't go crying to me later, you asked for it."

And without further ado Shizuo kicked Kadoka straight through the window where he landed on top of Kida who was going getting on his feet and was knocked out again.

"Shizu-chan! To think you'd fight for me! I'm so moved!"

Shizuo threw his arms around him and embraced him.

"Let go!"

"I knew you loved me, down deep. You're just too shy to be upfront about it."

Shizuo tried to shake him away but Izaya latched onto him with the tenacity of a clam. Erika and Walker disappeared only to return carrying a still unconscious Kadoka between them.

"Shizuo, do you have a finishing move?"

"Yeah! Like X Burner!"

"Not that, Shizuo is more Xanxus."

"Walker, you're a genius! That's so true! I like Xanxus better than Tsuna anyway."

"Everyone does!"

"Yeah!"

Shizuo did not have the faintest idea of what they were talking about and he did not even care, right now he just wanted Izaya to unglue himself from him and stop this exceedingly annoying rubbing.

"I have a finishing move myself. It's called 'Ultimate Yamato Nadeshiko Kick"!"

Izaya demonstrated it by kicking poor Dotachin and through the window he went again, the otaku duo cheered and once again proved that with friends like these one had no need for enemies.

"'Yamato Nadeshiko'? What kind of a name is that! You're a guy!"

Izaya humphed and crossed his arms haughtily.

"I am the perfect wife and absolutely a Yamato Nadeshiko. My graces are nonpareil (and mind you, my vocabulary is highly refined as you should have noticed by now), and can you honestly think of anyone else who would turn heads even wearing this drab outfit?"

Shizuo stomped.

"Yamato Nadeshiko wouldn't have sex in a public bathroom!"

Izaya waved this away dismissively.

"Also, I know how to create the best home environment possible. What can I say, when it comes to home making no one can beat me. It's that and Ikebana. Not to mention I order food from the very best places and hire a great team of French maids to keep out love nest spotlessly clean."

Shizuo's jaw came undone.

"So you don't even cook or clean the house? What kind of a wife are you?"

Mikado added softly,

"But I thought he wasn't your wife…"

Shizuo glared at him at which point Mikado realized that keeping his mouth shut was usually the best option. Shinra popped his head through the hole in the window.

"Shizuo! There's so much more to a wife than cooking! Right, Celty?"

She was a few steps behind and already punching on her cell phone furiously.

[I am not your wife!]

"But….! Celty!"

While this skirmish was taken place Izaya had ordered even more tuna and was indulging in it.

"Shizu-chan, what century do you think this is again? You can't expect me to tend the house at all times. I'm a modern woman-"

"No you're not! You're a guy! And will you stop eating!"

"Everyone knows that there's a second stomach for ootoro. And you really must get on with the times."

"You're crazy. Why would I even want to marry you!"

"Shizu-chan, I know that this is just your stubborn male pride masking a deep insecurity and a sense of inadequacy."

"Inade…what the hell, don't go using words that I don't understand!"

"But of course our love is eternal- Oh no!"

Izaya gasped and clutched his chest with such emphasis that Shizuo rolled his eyes.

"What is it now?"

"My wedding ring, it's gone! Someone must have stolen it! Ah, this city is becoming so violent nowadays. It is so frightening, it is because of this kind of things that I am unsure about starting a family with Shizu-chan-"

"What the fuck?"

"Truth be told, I don't want to ruin my figure and kids cramp my style."

"Says the guy who splurges on extra fatty tuna!"

Izaya gasped yet again.

"Are you calling me fat? How rude of you!"

Before Shizuo could reply Celty slapped him hard across the face and shoved a cell phone in his face.

[You're a horrible man, insulting a girl like that! I thought you were better than this!]

Shizuo blinked.

"But- he's Izaya. Not a girl…"

[That's completely beside the point!]

"And he doesn't even care about our wedding rings…"

[Is that true?]

"No, I mean-"

"I know, Shizu-chan! Why don't we get some wedding pictures taken? I always wanted to have a Western wedding with a beautiful white dress strewn with roses."

"What the hell happened to Yamato Nadeshiko?"

"I was a respectful bride and went the traditional wedding like you insisted but in my heart of hearts I wanted a dress with plenty of lace and to walk down the aisle while my sisters throw flowers."

"I don't even know-"

[Izaya, don't compromise! I'll take you to a chapel where you can do just that. It's next to a hotel with a wedding dress store. And they have rings.]

"Ah, Celty-chan! We girls really have to stick together!"

Izaya grabbed Celty's hand and peered deeply into her helmet. Shizuo was going to protest once more but somehow Celty grabbed him and flung him in her motorbike's seat, Izaya sat in front of him and before Shizuo what was going on she had taken off and they were shooting down the street at an insane speed.  
Shinra watched her disappear and sighed. Simon offered him a whole tray of cheese sushi as a consolation. Some nights were just unlucky and this was clearly one of those.  
Meanwhile a terrified Shizuo was dropped in front of a building and then dragged to a brightly lit shop. He was still dazed by the whole experience and trying not to throw up when Izaya stepped out of a curtain and twirled around. Shizuo saw white lace. Loads of it. Rustling in waves along a bubble skirt that swept the floor, so that only a bit of white tight could be glimpsed along with shiny shoes. Then there was a pearl studded corset, a rose shaped choker, and a bunch of pretty pink petals scattered throughout the dress.

Shizuo gaped.

"What do you think, Shizu-chan? Don't I look beautiful?"

 

"Yeah…I mean, you're a guy! Why are you wearing a dress?!"

Celty elbowed him hard enough to hurt and Shizuo groaned. Izaya turned around spoke over his shoulder.

"Do you think that an open back is too risqué for a wedding dress?"

Shizuo stared agape at the fully exposed back that ended in a tight fitted waist.[

[Looks great, Izaya!]

Shizuo actually agreed but he was not about it. He cursed Izaya for apparently having guessed his weak spot for shoulder blades.

"I wonder if I should grow my hair long. What do you think, Shizu-chan?"

"Don't care."

"Aw! So you'll love me no matter what? I am so touched. It makes getting these so worth it!"

Izaya presented him with two golden wedding rings.

"You don't expect me to wear that!"

"But Shizu-chan, it's the proof how much we love each other."

Celty dragged him to a corner, undressed him and dressed him in a groom's attire down to the red rose that she stuck in the lapel.

[This is important to Izaya, it's his dream wedding. You're an absolute prick for not respecting his wishes.]

Shizuo sighed. He found Izaya in front of a full length mirror, this time in a short white dress that adhered to his body, revealing every curve.

"I thought I'd try a more contemporary design."

Celty stopped his nosebleed with a handkerchief. Shizuo cursed Izaya yet again, did he really have to opt for such a long slit that let him see everything.

"That's not a wedding dress…it's too short."

"Aw, Shizu-chan is such a traditional man! It so cute, in a way."

Shizuo coughed to clear his throat.

"What kind of people celebrates their second month anniversary anyway…"

"We do! Ah, Celty-chan, let me tell you how Shizuo proposed. It was on a park in Ikebukuro, at sundown. He sat me on the swings, knelt on a knee and said: 'Izaya-kun, I cannot live without you. Please marry me and make me happiest man alive!'"

"That never happened! At least don't get me completely off character in your weird fantasies!"

Izaya waved.

"Don't mind him Celty-chan, Shizu-chan is just too shy. Our first rings were rather cheap since Shizu-chan is a darling but has such a hard time keeping a job-"

"Whose fault is that!"

"-but they had sentimental value to me. I will miss them."

Izaya wiped a tear. Celty typed furiously.

[These new ones will be even better. I wish you all the happiness in the world.]

Shizuo glanced at the phone and mumbled,

"How come you're so nice to him while I get beaten around…"

"You know, Shizu-chan is very old school. He called me '-kun' until we were married, and at times even '-san'."

[He should call you Izaya-sama.']

"I like the sound of that! Normally I'm an informal person-"

"Everyone gets 'chan'-ed now, bloody hell."

"-but Izaya-sama has certain ring to it!"

"Are you serious?"

Izaya nodded enthusiastically.

"Don't you love it how those loudspeakers at the airports and they like always '-sama' one? I often am late on purpose to catch a plane just so that I can hear them say 'Orihara-sama'."

"Just how big is your ego?"

Izaya inspected his sleek figure before the mirror again.

"Shizu-chan, you should know that it's not the size that matters. It's what you do with it."

"Will you stop talking about perverted things!"

Shizuo was annoyed at himself for blushing as he did know. Izaya raised an eyebrow interrogatively.

"I did not mean it like that. It is hardly my fault that your mind just so happens to be in the gutter."

Celty resolutely typed one single word:

[Men.]

Shizuo decided to try another approach.

"He's a man as well. And not a very nice one at that, Izaya framed me more than once. I was completely innocent and did jail time, where's the justice in that?"

Celty's reply was highly laconic:

[Man up.]

"Shizu-chan, it was never proven that it was my testimony that convicted you. And how do I feel I felt, I was all alone while you were in prison and then I had to explain to my sisters that you were a wonderful guy despite being a criminal. People, they judge, Shizu-chan."

Izaya nodded and repressed a sob.

"I didn't do anything! You made up stuff and lied on the stand! And will you please not walk around in that slutty dress?"

Shizuo was getting far too upset over this. Celty's dark eerie scythe appeared out of nowhere and he grew very quiet.

"Are you saying I am not pretty enough to wear it?"

Izaya pouted.

"Why do you have be so hot, I don't like other guys checking you out in that really short dress. I know what they're thinking and you're supposed to be my wife so you shouldn't dress provocatively like that…what am I saying?"

"Aw, Shizu-chan…so possessive."

[I'm closing this place and keep guard outside.]

"Thank you so much, Celty-chan!"

Thankfully the creepy scythe was gone but unfortunately Izaya was glued to his body and biting and earlobe.

"What are you doing?"

"I am seducing you, Shizu-chan. And it's working."

Indeed it was. Shizuo cursed.

"Just stop that already…"

Izaya pushed him and Shizuo ended up sitting on a plush sofa.

"You've worked so hard today, why don't you let your wife take care of you? You don't even have to do anything."

Izaya lost no time in climbing unto Shizuo's lap. The hem of the skirt rode up and showed plenty of milky skin underneath.

"I think you're making up this whole marriage thing as you go along."

"Even if I was, and I obviously am not, I don't think you'd care much at this point."

Izaya tossed aside his frilly panties and before Shizuo could as much as utter a protest he lowered himself unto Shizuo's erect length and sat, his eyes semi closed and his knees shaking slightly.

"Fuck…Izaya…"

"Using such dirty words, tsk."

Shizuo tried not to but he still could not help thrusting upwards.

"Shizu-chan, I thought you didn't like this?"

Izaya rocked slowly, ever so slowly, hardness filling him completely and fully inside of him. Shizuo lifted the skirt and Izaya's dripping erection.

"You really are a slut."

"Hng…a wife is supposed to have sex with her husband, Shizu-chan. And I only give myself to you."

Shizuo knew that this was a blatant lie but it made him hot all over to hear it.

"You'd do it with anyone."

Izaya moaned into his ear and kissed the corner of his mouth.

"Only you can satisfy me."

"Yeah, right."

Shizuo made a fist around Izaya's wet cock and Izaya picked up speed in his rocking motion.

"Shizu-chan, you're all man…"

"Shut up."

"Want me to go faster?"

Shizuo wanted it very much but he gritted his teeth and cursed under his breath.

"Screw you."

"You're already doing that."

In truth, Izaya was doing all the work and with excruciating slowness at that.

"Izaya…!"

"'-sama.' Say it and I will move faster."

Izaya picked up a veil and donned it, keeping the fluttery fabric from covering his face.

"This is so bridal of me, isn't it!"

"You're a guy…not a bride…"

But Shizuo could not keep himself from being half insane over this slow rhythm that was ever so teasing. He reminded himself that Izaya was worse than a flea he was in fact a gnat in human shape.

"Call me 'Izaya-sama'. And I'll ride your dick like no one ever did."

"Yamato Nadeshiko would never say such things."

Izaya straddled him with his thighs, increasing the pressure.

"Aren't you glad you have me instead?"

Izaya moaned into his ear and became completely still. He traced patterns over Shizuo's chest and suckled at the hard nub of his nipples.

"Move."

Izaya could tell that Shizuo was close to just pushing him on the floor and having his way with him.

"Aw, you want to fuck me that much?"

Shizuo humphed in an attempt to sound disinterested but it was very difficult when he was rock hard and inside such tightness. Izaya changed tactics.

"Shizu-chan, you're so big. Drinking all that milk paid off. And your stamina…our wedding night was the best, you did me over…and over…and over again."

Izaya trailed off.

"Stop making up stuff."

Shizuo began to pump him and Izaya had to make an effort not to give in and go all out.

"Hnng…"

He scooped a bit of pre cum and smeared it on Izaya's lips, rather roughly.

"Just look at you. You're not a lady but a whore."

Izaya was not at all fazed. He licked his lips.

"Just the right amount of saltiness. Like miso soup."

Shizuo gritted his teeth. Izaya resumed moving just enough to make Shizuo aware of the tingling that followed each time he jolted forward. Shizuo moved his fist along Izaya's length and gave him one hard thrust. Izaya saw stars and waves of pleasure running up his spine.

"You like this, you filthy slut."

Izaya gathered his bearings as much as he could and smiled through the lust that was consuming him.

"I got you to talk dirty to me, Shizu-chan~"

Shizuo growled something unintelligible. At this point it did not even matter. Izaya settled for a steady pace, working himself into a pattern of fleshy striking flesh. Shizuo hit his weak spot and Izaya forgot all about the mind games. He went all out, impaling himself repeatedly and riding a Shizuo that was far too horny to at all complain over the intense heat that engulfed him.

"Shizu-chan…!"

Izaya tossed his head back, the veil all aflutter in the air, as he came in a series of spasms that sent Shizuo over the edge. Izaya closed his eyes in sheer bliss. Thick liquid coated his insides and trickled out as he rode out the aftershocks of a powerful orgasm.

"Told you not to '-chan' me."

But Shizuo did not sound particularly impressive when he was this breathless, his voice ragged. Izaya climbed out with some difficult and flung himself the sofa. His body was still shaking and he hurt in places he did not know existed. But he was a very happy boy. Shizuo was wondering if he should just leave when Celty popped her helmet into the store and told Izaya that Erika and Walker wanted to meet him.

"Sure, Celty-chan. Just wait a sec."

Izaya cleaned himself while Shizuo cast nervous glances at him and tried not to think too much of the mess he had made and how great it had felt.

"All set!"

Erika and Walker barged into the room, still dragging a very groggy Dotachin that came to his senses amidst the reigning chaos that his friends never failed to cause.

"Hey! How come no one noticed that my name has been misspelled this whole time? I'm 'Kadota' not 'Kadoka'!"

"Dotachin is Dotachin!"

"Yeah! Like Gokudera is Tako-head!"

The ultimate otaku duo danced around then suddenly seemed to remember that they had a purpose here other than putting Dotachin through hell.

"Izaya-kun! We brought you…your Dakimakura!"

"We had to look online for pictures of Shizuo-kun but it turns out his brother has a whole gallery with those! With a section of XXX stuff, naked Shizuo-kun~"

Walker nodded enthusiastically at this.

"Yeah! It made me question my sexuality!"

"Everyone's gay for Shizuo-kun!"

From his plump seat Izaya remarked,

"I knew it. Brother complex."

"Kasuka wouldn't do that…"

Izaya sat up and crossed his arms.

"Ah! As if, little brother is a perv. No great surprise there. And to think that I have him as a brother in law, it is so horrible. I've said it once and I will say it again: incest is wrong."

At this Namie dropped from the ceiling, somehow.

"Orihara! Stop saying that. Incest can be the purest form of unlimited love."

Izaya coughed.

"In your case, Namie-chan, the incest part is the least creepy thing about this love of yours."

Walker and Erika interrupted the brewing argument by knocking down Namie (who had never been –chan'ed before and was not exactly pleased) with the amazing body pillow.

"So we searched some more and got a bunch of Izaya-kun pictures! Your sisters posted them online! It was in their blog."

"Shizuo-kun, you better watch out. The twins apparently don't like you much."

"They say you're no match for their great brother!"

Shizuo rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette.

"Like I thought the entire family is fucked up."

Erika produced a picture of Izaya, quite naked and asleep. And covered in whipped cream, it might be added.

"I want to know the context of this shot!"

"It's a wholesome family tradition of mine to play punishment games."

Shizuo snorted.

"'Wholesome' my ass!"

"You'd be better off asking dear Kasuka why he keeps porn of you around."

Shizuo flailed slightly.

"It's not like that, you just think everyone's like you. Kasuka is very innocent, he just likes his brother."

"Right…anyway, I'll take the Dakimakura!"

"Do you also want the Shizu-chan doll?"

"Your sisters sell it, very popular. It already comes with needles and special curses."

Shizuo stared at the tiny big eyed effigy of himself.

"Your sisters are cursing me?"

"Don't be absurd, they're nice girls that like to play with dolls. It's not like they're creepy like a certain someone with a doll fixation."

"They're still selling curses!"

"You cannot blame them for being industrious young women who know how to make profit. Most young people nowadays don't want anything to do with work and just leech off money but they are proper ladies."

Shizuo waved the doll around.

"This isn't work!"

"They made those themselves. Such diligent girls they are. I am proud to be their older sister."

"First of all…you're a guy, how many times do I have to repeat that? And what the hell, you knew they were making these?"

"Of course I did. We are all very close in my family."

Izaya hugged the pillow and closed his eyes happily.

"So soft and nice…"

"What do you even use that for?"

"To cuddle with, Shizu-chan. What else?"

Celty reappeared.

[Have you taken photographs already?]

"Celty-chan, with so much going on I forgot. Shizu-chan doesn't have much self-control when it comes to keeping his hormones in check so he just ravaged my body forcibly…"

"You started it!"

"Shizu-chan, I'm glad that you at least admit that we are a couple. This denial of yours does not make any sense since we are husband and wife."

Celty typed furiously.

[Rapist!]

"How can it be rape when he's the one hitting on me and doing naughty things…"

"Shizu-chan, saying such things, you make me blush!"

[Respect your wife's privacy!]

Shizuo sighed and puffed some smoke.

"I can't win, can I."

Izaya clasped his hands together.

"Shizu-chan…you know how I feel about you smoking. It breaks my heart when I think about what it does to your health. Many nights I stay awake, worrying that you'll die."  
Tears brimmed red eyes and Izaya blinked to make them fall. Shizuo gasped despite knowing that none of this could possibly be true.

"It's okay, I only smoke light cigarettes. They have less nicotine."

"I don't want to end up becoming a widow with only this Dakimakura to remember you by!"

Izaya was crying now and Shizuo could feel Celty getting ready to bring out her famous scythe of doom.

"Huh, don't cry Izaya."

"I'm emotional because you're so important to me."

"Right."

There was more angry typing.

[Is that all you've got to say? Izaya has been suffering because you're irresponsible and you don't have any words of comfort?]

The scythe was back and it cut the cigarette in two, barely missing Shizuo.

"'You're going to quit smoking and that's that.'"

"But…"

"'No more arguing!'"

It occurred to Shizuo that this was the worst night of his entire life. Including his jail time. He hated Izaya.

"We're the bridesmaids!"

Walter and Erika jumped up and down in colorful gowns. Shizuo supposed that if the bride was a guy then it was not even weird that one of the bridesmaids was not a girl either.

"We are rooting for a Gundam to crash the wedding!"

"Just like SEED!"

"Yes! How about Orihara twins' Gundam? Costume made for extra coolness!"

"Mechas can only mean one thing!"

"Kinky skintight flightsuit!"

Shizuo scratched his head.

"Am I the only one who can't understand a word of what these guys say?"

"No matter, Shizu-chan. Time for pictures!"

Apparently Izaya was past his deep sorrow in a heartbeat and ready to grab a bouquet in a hand, while locking arms with Shizuo and dragging him to the chapel. Walker and Erika followed. Izaya turned around a few times and Shizuo knew that there was no way he'd let this fly.

"This dress is too short! It's slutty. Not a wedding dress! Put on the other one. The long one."

Izaya blushed on cue.

"Shizu-chan, I'll go change."

Shizuo nodded. His wife could not possibly dress in such a revealing outfit, that simply would not do. He shook his head, he was beginning to get really weird thoughts. Shizuo was still trying to stop thinking about sheer craziness when Izaya looked at him from over the shoulder and added,

"Will you help me get changed? It's so difficult to put on a traditional wedding dress by oneself. And you need to change too. Your attire got dirty."

Shizuo looked down and indeed there was a large semen stain on his jacket. His eyebrow twitched.

"Izaya…you! You are so going to die-"

Shizuo saw the looming shape of the scythe hovering far too close for comfort so decided to change gears.

"-I mean, getting this dry cleaned will be such a bother…"

"No need to worry, Shizu-chan! Celty-chan got you another suit along with a few dresses that I can choose from."

And indeed Celty handed him some clothes and then a few dresses to Izaya. Shizuo sighed as he followed Izaya into a corner where they could get changed without everyone (and just how they had found this place was beyond him) seeing.

Izaya unzipped and peeled out the dress so that he stood naked except for the white stockings. Shizuo's heart skipped a beat.

"What happened to you underwear…"

"I didn't put it back on."

"Why not? You really are a slut."

Izaya smiled wickedly.

"Because I knew Shizu-chan would take them off soon enough."

Shizuo cursed him tenfold. If there were an Izaya doll then he would poke it with pins. He ignored Izaya and turned around to undress. He never got around to actually getting dress, though.

"Shizu-chan? I need help here…"

Shizuo was set on not giving heed to any of Izaya's teasing. But he made the crucial error of casting a glance his way. Izaya had managed to slip into a rather bulky dress full of white folds but somehow he could not quite zip it. So that his back was fully exposed, smooth white skin gently sloped as Izaya leant over.

"Huh…"

Nothing else occurred to Shizuo. He found himself zipping up the corset, his hands slipping.

"Shizu-chan is naked. So hot."

"Shut up."

Izaya moaned softly as Shizuo got the corset half way zipped.

"Always so rough."

"What kind of person gets turned on getting dressed? You're such a slut."

Izaya giggled. Shizuo pushed against him because he was having some difficulty getting this done.

"And I can feel your hard-on even through all the fabric."

Shizuo gritted his teeth. He hated Izaya. With a passion. Unfortunately he also wanted to do him. With a passion.

"You manipulated me!"

"Not at all true, Shizu-chan. But you're my husband so it figures we'd have sex. Don't forget that the fact that I am exclusively doing it with you means that you have an extra responsibility to keep me satisfied."

"Bloody nympho."

"Shizu-chan, wedding dress sex is so hot."

"Die!"

Shizuo ripped to shreds the many skirts. He was angry and told himself that this was why he presently rammed into Izaya.

"See, this is why I knew that putting back my panties was a waste of time."

Squelching noises filled the air as Shizuo thrust in and out.

"Still a bit wet…"

"It's because you shot so deep. Such a good thing I'm on the pill."

"Oh shut up."

Shizuo pulled at the strings, fraying them at the hooks.

"-can't breathe!"

"Good."

Shizuo squeezed his ass. The torn skirts fluttered up and made it even more difficult for Izaya to get air into his lungs.

"Breath play, so kinky."

"Don't you ever shut up!"

Shizuo reached for a stocking and stuffed it in Izaya's mouth so that he could only get oxygen at intervals and that made him drip pre-cum all over the place. Izaya slid down the wall unable to support himself. Shizuo did not break his frantic pace as he got him on his side, a flurry of puff flying and kept on pounding into Izaya who shook with the rocking impact.

"Such a slut."

Izaya's moans were muffled but insistent. He had a feeling that he was caught in midair despite Shizuo's bruising grip on his thighs. As orgasm neared it became impossible to draw breath. Spittle ran down his chin and Shizuo licked it. That was the final straw. Izaya came in a series of jets that soiled the dress completely. Shizuo grunted something or other and came inside the tight hotness that engulfed him completely.

Shizuo let go of Izaya who was about to pass out. He removed the stocking.

"Ah, air. Love truly is destructive."

"Louse."

Izaya squirmed a bit, allowing the warm liquid to trickle out.

"You're such a beast, how come we never use a condom when we do this."

Shizuo currently had a problem more pressing than putting up with Izaya's rants. And that was his craving for a post coital smoke. Izaya cleaned himself and donned on another dress, this one long and with feathers attached to the large balloon skirt.

Erika and Walker burst into the scene as if they had been watching this covertly, exchanging notes about the differences between 2D and 3D sex, which was actually what they had done.

"We've been thinking, is Yamato Nadeshiko related to Kira Yamato?"

"Must be! Both are Mary Sues!"

"Lady Izaya is on a whole different level altogether. She is the true modern Yamato Nadeshiko."

"And it's picture time now!"

With this they dragged a still grumbling Shizuo while Izaya strode elegantly enough because rough sex never interfered with his style. So the four of them got crammed into the studio, the bridesmaids smiling broadly. Izaya hugged the dakimakura and looked sophisticated as he posed.

"What is that pillow doing here?"

"Dakimakura must go into our wedding photograph."

"No! You already have me why do you need that stupid thing?"

Erika and Walker took the dakimakura and handed Izaya a pretty bouquet with pink petals.

"We'll hold it for you! Oh and I wonder if this works."

She poked chibi Shizu-chan doll with a needle and a jab of pain made Shizuo flinch.

"What the hell? Do your sisters dabble in black magic? These things actually work?"

Izaya arranged his veil with a couple more faded roses.

"Don't be absurd. They just happen to be very talented. It wouldn't be very honest if they sold faulty products that have no effect, now would it? Don't judge my sisters by your low moral standards. Ex con."

Shizuo wanted a cigarette. But Celty was apparently the official photographer of this wacky photo session. How Izaya managed to get between himself and people he had known for years would forever remain a mystery.

[Say cheese!]

They chanted in unison,

"Cheese!"

Except for Shizuo, he still wanted to smoke to the point it was driving him insane. Celty stepped from behind the camera and shoved the phone into his face.  
[How can you not to look joyous? Izaya-sama cares so much for you and you don't understand his feelings at all!]

"'-sama'…?"

[Smile this time around and you better look happy.]

As an incentive she brought back the scythe. It convinced Shizuo on the spot.

"'Say cheese!'"

"Cheese!"

They all chanted. Celty snapped a few photographs. Izaya looked very composed. Shizuo had never hated him so much. Izaya turned the pillow around to show naked Shizuo on the cover.

"What the hell, you can't take a picture with that!"

Erika and Walker burst out weeping.

"I always cry at weddings, remember Tomoya and Nagisa?"

"And I was rooting for Tomoyo the whole time.

"Yes, me too. But it would be a kind of confusing, you know?"

"Tomoyo, Tomoya, Tomoyo, Tomoya!"

Shizuo was lost and decided to simply ignore them altogether.

"Take a few more pictures, Celty-chan! Put the camera on automatic and join us!"

"'You want me in the picture?'"

"Yes! You're one of my favorite girlfriends!"

They made space for Celty and a few more pictures were taken with the odd couple, the even odder bridesmaids and the naked Shizuo dakimakura (one of the kind, costume made and absolutely exclusive).

"It's time to throw the bouquet!"

Izaya did so, sending the bundle of flowers flying through the air. Walker and Erika scrambled in a strange dance of sorts and out of nowhere, stepping on both Namie and Dotachin for leverage, Shinra grabbed the bouquet and nearly fell in the process.

"Celty! We're the next to tie the knot! Aren't you excited now!"

[Don't go jumping to conclusions.]

Shizuo was not at all bothered. With all the chaos he sneaked away and made it as far to the door. That was when he came across none other than Kasuka, of all people.

"Hi there, Kasuka! What are you doing out so late?"

Kasuka blinked in his noncommittal way at the groom attire.

"It's already morning."

And indeed the sun was breaking between the tall buildings.

"Oh yeah. You're right."

"Shizu-chan! Oh and look, Deadpan!"

Izaya latched unto Shizuo, wedding dress billowing dramatically.

"Will you let go of me!"

"Brother, seems like you got married. And didn't tell me."

Shizuo flailed.

"No way! The flea just got into his head that we're married-"

"Look, look, we have matching rings!"

"-shut up, Izaya!"

"You could have told me."

Izaya crossed his arms smugly.

"Your loss, brother complex Deadpan! Why don't you explain those X rated photos you took of Shizu-chan?"

Kasuka's expression did not change at all as he said,

"Shizuo is hot."

"Brother, don't say it like that! It makes it sound so wrong!"

Izaya cackled.

"It's like we're in Utena! Brides, rings, incest!"

Needless to say, any and all otaku references immediately attracted Erika and Walker, at times also referred to as 'Elker'.

"Oh oh, extra rare pairing!"

"Dotachin x Kasuka!"

They pushed poor Dotachin unto Kasuka who let him fall on the ground.

"I always wanted to sleep with-"

Shizuo put his hand over Kasuka's hand.

"Funny, Kasuka. Really funny. Heh. But you shouldn't say such things, you know! People will really get the wrong idea!"

Izaya nodded gravely.

"That's right! Shizu-chan is a married man! And my dear husband. You're a third wheel now!"

"Don't listen to him, Kasuka! He's just insane and a fucking louse all around!"

Izaya humphed.

"So he says now but just a while ago he was all over me, this is why I always am on contraceptives, because your brother there just can't enough of me. It's not too bad since it helps regulate the cycle but still-"

"For the hundredth time, you're a guy! A guy! As in, male! Not female!"

Shizuo let go of Kasuka to better gesticulate wildly.

"Shizuo, I'll be back right away."

"Look what you did, you flea! You scared my little brother away!"

"Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river."

But Kasuka was very true to his word and returned immediately. Wearing a black jacket with fur fringe and a hood. It was Shizuo's time to blink.

"Kasuka…? What are you doing?"

"This is big brother's type."

"What?"

Izaya's laughter was very loud.

"Takes more than wearing that to play the part!"

Shizuo was still confused. Namie had managed to get back on her feet and now made her appearance.

"Incest is fine!"

Walker and Erika chimed in unison as they threw her against Kasuka.

"Special extra pairing, Namie x Kasuka! Namie tops!"

Izaya clapped.

"I approve of this! Oh and, Yagiri-san, I'm counting on your company to develop more top notch pills!"

Namie dragged Kasuka by the hood.

"Just stumbled on a good specimen. You'll do just fine."

"What are going to do with my baby brother, you hag!"

"Shizu-chan, let it go. Unless you want Kasuka to keep on going about how he wants to do it with you."

This made Shizuo pause.

"I'll ring you later, Kasuka! And this is all your fault, you bloody louse! You put your weird ideas into his head! Kasuka is a pure boy!"  
Walker interrupted him.

"Oh, so Kasuka is Alphonse?"

"Must be!"

"Ha, more like a pure pervert. I bet he came in your milk when you weren't watching."

From around the corner Kasuka replied in his monotone.

"Only once."

Shizuo did not know that he could still be shocked. Clearly he was mistaken.

"Er, I'll call you later! So take care!"

Izaya was at his most smug.

"Sucks being you, Kasuka! I don't have to do that kind of thing in secret. I guess spouses are really something else."

"Shut up, I'm sure he misunderstood you."

Fortunately for Shizuo, Kasuka was out of sight and so could not compromise himself any further. Izaya coughed, as much as he loved having fun at the expense of the

Heiwajima pair he still had a few things to accomplish here.

"Anyway, Shizu-chan. I believe it is time we renew our vows."

"Doctors can officiate such things! I'd be glad to act as a minister! I know the spiel! "

Shizuo almost kicked Shinra.

"Okay! Everyone, gather together!"

They headed back to the chapel, Shizuo grumbling all the way.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to renew the bounds of eternal love between these two friends of ours, Izaya and Shizuo."

"Oh please. Will you give me a break already!"

Shinra ignored the protest altogether.

"Do you, Orihara Izaya-"

"It's Heiwajima Izaya now!"

"-take this man, Heiwajima Shizuo, to have and to hold, through sickness and in health until death due you part?"

Izaya made sure to glow. It worked beautifully.

"I, Izaya, despite being the epitome of grace, intelligence, sweetness, elegance, sophistication, goodness, kindness, unlimited discernment-"

"Will you stop praising yourself! And did you rehearse this beforehand?"

Again Shizuo was utterly ignored.

"-as well as possessing many other virtues such as humility-"

"Yeah, right."

"-do concede to give my hand in matrimony to this uncouth, uncultivated, uncivilized man-"

"Are all things 'un'? And those are all awful descriptions!"

Izaya did notice that Shizuo did not even contradict it.

"-to be my loyal husband, purely out of my magnitude of heart and my desire to improve his lowly condition as befits a benefactor of humanity such as myself."

"Are you done now?"

Izaya sighed.

"I rest my case."

"I guess that was 'I do'. Do you Heiwajima Shizuo, take this Izaya- it's a gender apart, it really is- to be your loving wife and-"

"The hell I do!"

"I now declare you husband and wife again! You may now kiss the bride!"

Shinra was getting into character. Everyone cheered, including Celty via her phone. Shizuo was just confused.

"Didn't you hear me? I said the hell I do!"

"Shizu-chan, you said 'I do'! That's all that matters!"

"No it isn't! I didn't mean it like that! Don't take my words out of, erm, how is it called again!"

"'Context', Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo pointed at him.

"Yes! That's the word. Thanks."

"You are welcome, honey."

"I mean, no! You fucking flea!"

Izaya shook his head.

"We've been through this before. It's not your blood that I suck. It's your, how should I put this since a lady must never say things directly, ah yes. Your man juice."

"You really are crazy."

"I'm just madly in love! But at times, I get so uneasy. 'What if Shizu-chan doesn't love me back?', thoughts like this keep me awake at night. Men can't always recognize the excellence of women."

"What women are these you're going on about?"

"I try to please him with my body but what if it is not enough?"

Izaya clasped his hands together.

"Are you even listening?"

"I have so much invested in this relationship. It's almost as important as my career."

"Hello, Earth to Izaya. And what do you mean 'almost as important'? I thought I mattered to you!"

Shinra chimed in,

"You still have to kiss the bride!"

Shizuo could not squirm his way out of this. Not when all these crazies (somehow even Celty was off her rocker tonight, or today or whatever it was) were about to begin dancing around him. He kissed him lightly just to get this over with but Izaya went for a passionate kiss with plenty of tongue. It left Shizuo a bit unsteady on his feet. Curse Izaya for being so good at this. Izaya sighed.

"Reciprocal love is such a wonderful thing."

"Reci-what? Now you're just trying to confuse me with your fancy words!"

Izaya yawned but like the lady he was he covered his mouth with a coquettish gesture.

"Shizu-chan, I need my beauty sleep. There's a hotel right across the street, let us stay there."

"On whose money?"

Izaya produced a thick bundle of bills. Shizuo blinked. And blinked again.

"If you want to be crass about it you could say that I 'bring home the bacon'."

"Wow…is that money real?"

"Of course it is. You're the one with a criminal record here. This is the product of my investments and dedication to my work. I will have you know that I'm an excellent career woman."

Celty saw fit to intervene.

[Work is important to a modern woman.]

  
"Celty-chan understands because she's a wonderful currier."

Izaya dragged Shizuo all the way to the brightly lit hotel lobby. The crazy procession followed because it was clear that Shizuo was indeed doomed. They attracted a lot of stares as was expected. Shizuo tried to stand a little apart as not to be lumped together with Izaya's gang. Izaya waltzed to the counter.

"Hello, I'd like to book the honeymoon suite for today-"

"Honeymoon?"

Apparently the hotel personnel too were bent on ignoring Shizuo.

"Certainly. Under what name?"

"Heiwajima Izaya and Shizuo."

"Here is the key, Heiwajima-san. I hope that you enjoy our wide range of services and that we may have the pleasure of repeating this visit."

"Thank you very much!"

Izaya smiled. The clerk added,

"And if I may be as bold as to intrude, you are a very beautiful bride, Heiwajima-san."

"Oh my, thank you for your kind-"

"You. Stop hitting on my wife."

Shizuo kicked himself inwardly. Why did he keep playing into this lunacy, he should know better by now.

"Shizu-chan…"

"Time to leave the two love birds to their own devices! Celty, why don't we stay here as well-"

[No.]

Erika and Walker waved.

"Izaya is such an oujou-sama!"

"Who knew that real sex was so different from hentai?"

"I had no idea either!"

This time it was Shizuo dragging Izaya, the last thing he wanted was to be associated with these rambling lunatics in such a crowded place. And so he found himself in a very large suite, feet sinking into soft pink carpet. Shizuo stared in awe at the well decorated room with its massive four poster canopy bed.

"Wow! This place is huge! Sure is good being rich."

Izaya coughed to get his attention.

"Shizu-chan, aren't you forgetting something?"

"Like what?"

"You're supposed to carry me past the threshold and all the way to bed."

Shizuo knitted his brows.

"Why?"

"Because you can't stay in the honeymoon suite otherwise."

Shizuo took another look at the luxurious room. He had never even dreamt of even seeing such a place with his own two eyes, let alone actually staying in one. That tilted the scales for him. Besides, Izaya was very light in his arms and it was not much different from carrying a light sack. Expect for the ruffles and the rubbing against him, that is. Shizuo dumped him in bed, the soft mattress cushioning him snugly.

"There. Happy now? I'm taking a shower now. Don't follow me."

Izaya stretched.

"Don't worry, Shizu-chan. I won't."

Shizuo had his serious doubts. The bathtub was large enough for Shizuo to almost swim in it so he opted to run a bath instead of taking a shower. He needed to wash away the sweat and the scent of sex off his skin. It was of course all Izaya's fault. Shizuo kept that in mind as he washed and tried out some sweet smelling gels. Normally he would think that such things made one gay but it was a bit too late to be worrying about that now. And he was not disappointed when he finished his bubbly bath without Izaya joining him, not at all, it was not as if he wanted to feel that smooth naked body grinding against him again- Shizuo shook his head forcibly. It must be the steam getting to him.

He found Izaya sitting in bed with a tray of ootoro rolls. And wearing a skimpy see through white babydoll with a bit of fur fringe because one must be true to one's style or monomanias.

"Shizu-chan! Room service is so amazing here."

"You're eating again? Just what are you, a bottomless pit?"

"I must replenish after all that exercise. Having that much sex depletes my energy levels."

"Sushi freak. And what the hell are you wearing?"

Shizuo glanced sideways at the kinky outfit. He could see a frilly bit from a minute thong.

"This is the honeymoon suite, there are all sorts of great lingerie items around. Hungry?"

Now that Shizuo thought about it he was indeed a bit hungry. He had dined early and eaten nothing at Simon's due to, of course, Izaya's antics. Shizuo believed that the world would be a better place without Orihara Izaya.

"I don't like sushi all that much-"

"For shame! Blasphemy."

"-but I'll have some."

Izaya got on his knees.

"Say 'Ah'."

"I can eat myself…"

"Shizu-chan, play nice."

"Oh, fine. Ah."

Izaya slipped a bit of fresh fish between Shizuo's lips and moaned a bit as his fingers met tongue.

"Hng…"

"You've got issues."

Izaya's eyes were a bit glazed as he pushed a still naked Shizuo flat on bed and layered his broad chest with pieces of ootoro.

"Shizu-chan is a human table."

"What the hell-"

Izaya crawled on top of him and ate a nigiri without even using his hands. He licked the nipple underneath. Shizuo trembled as Izaya removed the towel that was beginning to stand up. Izaya rubbed the cloth of his thong on Shizuo's hardening length.

"Hmm…horny again."

Izaya sucked on juicy ootoro even as he settled for a slow rocking rhythm that brought their erections together. The thong bulged and became damp from the pre-cum that dripped from the tip that was visible right over the lining. Shizuo cursed Izaya for the hundredth time.

"Bloody sushi and sex junkie."

Izaya slowly ate another roll.

"Keep talking dirty to me, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo made a fist around their members and pumped for all he was worth. He was not in the mood for having Izaya play his sick games with him but he was indeed far too turned on to let go of this opportunity. Izaya pressed against him and squirmed.

"-gonna kill you. One day."

Shizuo fully intended to do so but clearly not today. The flimsy babydoll fluttered as Izaya picked up speed to respond to the stimulation from Shizuo's firm hand.

"Shizu-chan- oh, Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo grunted. He hated the raspy undertone in Izaya's voice, it was like an aphrodisiac all to itself and he came with that horrible honorific still ringing in his ears. It had been a long night but still Shizuo covered them both with thick semen. Izaya tasted some of it, his pace frenzied as he mixed his seed with Shizuo's in a whitish mess. Shizuo took some time to catch his breath.

"I told you not to call me that. I'm not your buddy."

Izaya lazily scooped semen and licked it as he cuddled with Shizuo.

"You're my dear husband. I like…so much love-"

Shizuo blushed.

"Will you drop that talk!"

"-for sushi."

"You like that bloody fish more than you do me."

Izaya gave him a salty kiss.

"Not at all true. After all, I am your beloved."

Shizuo blushed redder. He hated getting flustered over this.

"Whatever."

Izaya yawned and closed his eyes.

"Sleepy now…goodnight. Or morning."

 

*

And with this Izaya drifted asleep. Shizuo watched him. He supposed that Izaya was not too bad when he was asleep. He looked a bit like a kitty and kitties were cute. All things considered, Izaya was tolerable as long as he kept that mouth of his shut (or employed it in some useful way, that is). Shizuo decided that it was okay to pet his short dark hair. Maybe Izaya could let it grow, all the way to his pert butt, now that they were married he had a saying in this. Shizuo shook his head, insanity was indeed contagious. The bad part was that it would cover that sexy back of his but ladies should have long hair. He was sure that Yamato Nadeshiko kept her hair long and silky but probably in some sort of bun because she was a proper lady all around. Unlike Izaya who was a crazy slut.

Shizuo patted his head and Izaya sighed contently. It was cute. Curse Orihara Izaya. The world would definitely be a better place without him but it would lose most of its sexiness.

Izaya chuckled inwardly. So Shizuo had taken the bait and bought into Izaya's plan. Even with his eyes closed and without a word said he could tell that Shizuo was beginning to have all sorts of husbandly thoughts about him which proved what he had always suspected. Heiwajima Shizuo was a sap at heart. And of course, the hottest husband ever to walk this earth. Izaya loved humans but he especially loved Shizuo. Never one in favor of commitment Izaya was now looking forward to the bliss of married life. And all was well.

The End


End file.
